Most of us have been trained to hide our true feelings and do things in spite of them for fear of appearing unprofessional. There’s certainly a need to manage our emotions so that we can be professional. But there’s also a need to experience and be conscious of our feelings so that we can be skillful, intuitive, effective leaders.

Emotions are extremely important for leaders, and there’s a learning curve to effectively harnessing one’s emotions. That process is very personal, but once a client gets a few major pieces integrated, their effectiveness as a leader can skyrocket. It’s a delight as their coach to watch that happen.

The goal isn’t to improve or change your emotions, but to learn from them from a place of awareness: What’s the emotion that’s occurring? What is this feeling telling me? And once you’ve gleaned the information you’re trying to tell yourself, only then is it time for action.

Emotion is one of the ways our mind communicates with us. It can guide us about whether a decision is sound, whether there’s a need for action and even whether other people are being honest with us. We can notice the behavior of others and ask: “Do those emotional signals match the content of their communication?”

The intensity of emotion tends to correspond with the intensity of the disappointment or challenge being faced, and there’s an obvious need to ground those “big” emotions and learn from them. But it’s equally important to become aware of more nuanced emotions. They often provide guidance that helps a leader fine tune their strategy.

Subtle uneasiness after a decision could be a signal that there’s a need to go revisit it. Uneasiness in a personal relationship may tell you there’s something necessary to communicate that may be challenging for your partner to hear. Uneasiness in your partner’s communication toward you may be a sign to pay attention to where they’re at and what they’re thinking because there’s an incongruity somewhere.

Emotional Intelligence on an Organizational Scale

When working with a board of directors or an executive team or a management team—especially through times of change—you want to be able to harvest the wisdom of the team. Smart leaders expect, even welcome, some degree of disagreement. People will have different emotional responses to the same event, and people will have different convictions about what’s important and what needs to be done. There’s something of value in each point of view.  In order for a team to fully engage, each person on that team must be able to state their own position with passion and conviction … and also listen to others with openness and a willingness to be influenced by their positions. Out of that experience of fully speaking each person’s truth (as well as listening and looking for the wisdom in everyone else), comes the whole being greater than the sum of the parts.

It takes great emotional maturity to passionately believe one thing yet be able to set that aside and still listen to someone else’s passion. And from there, we move into Engaging Systems Intelligence, the topic of the next post. So, listen to what your emotions are communicating, and check back soon for details on Step 2.

For an overview, please read The Leading Spirit Success Cycle – Which Step Are You On?

Tip #1

Start a dialogue with your team about the use of technology during meetings:

Many work cultures have unconsciously normalized multitasking during meetings, making it easy to avoid direct communication. Ask your team what works about multitasking during meetings, and what are the costs? What guidelines does the team want to make for technology use during meetings?

Tip #2

Before every meeting, clarify the expectations for using technology while in the meeting:

Some sample requests:

• “This is a meeting where many will be taking notes on their laptops. Can we agree that we will only take notes and not perform other computer tasks during this meeting?”
• “Please put your phones on vibrate and refrain from e-mailing or texting during the meeting.”
• “Please be courteous and let team members know ahead of time if you have a really important call (e.g. sick child) that you need to take during today’s meeting.”

Tip #3

Set up specific Team Agreements or Guidelines about how to respond to intra-office e-mails, voicemails, IMs, texts, etc:

Some examples:

• “The Management Team agrees to reply to e-mails from fellow team members within 24 hours.”
• “Team members agree to check their work phone messages at least two times a day.”
• “Please make urgent requests with a directed phone call.”

Tip #4

Reward and celebrate it when your team follows the Team Agreements:

Some examples:

• Verbally acknowledge staff during weekly meetings.
• Give a “Communication Champion Award” each month, where the winner gets to proudly display a gold spray-painted, recycled cell phone on his/her desk.
• Consider implementing a “Caught You At Your Best” card to be exchanged between staff members right at the moment when agreements are upheld.

It’s no wonder that teams are struggling with communication issues in such a quickly changing environment. Our norms of how we communicate and when we communicate have yet to be established using many newer technologies. There’s no “one size fits all” fix for addressing appropriate use of technology in the workplace. However, a fresh perspective and curiosity about technology and your team will uncover the solutions that facilitate clear and effective communication.

In contrast, the virtual reality of borderless, wireless and largely unregulated communications creates more and more opportunities to disconnect, disengage and avoid conflict.

Red Flags for Technology of Avoidance:

• Have you ever returned a phone call, hoping against hope that you’ll be able to just leave a message instead of actually talking to the person?

• Are you using caller ID to screen out undesired incoming calls (think mother-in-law, not just telemarketers)?

• Do you prefer to give criticism to a colleague via e-mail as opposed to face-to-face?

• Does the number of “tweets,” IMs and texts you sent last week vastly outnumber the times you had a non-virtual interaction?

• Have you ever sent an urgent e-mail and suspected that the person who said, “I never got that e-mail” was really avoiding you?

• Have you ever received a critical e-mail that was inappropriately “cc’d” to other recipients?

• Have you ever attended a meeting where people text, check e-mails and even talk on the phone instead of giving full attention to the speaker(s)?

Ironically, as technology advances, our social maneuvers to avoid direct communication— especially around conflict—become increasingly complex.

Avoidance, or “stonewalling,” as coined by marriage researcher John Gottman, is one of four toxic behaviors that show up in our relationships at home and work. In person, stonewalling can have a physicality of crossed arms, turning away, speaking very little if at all, or a fixed “stone-face” expression. But when we add technology into the mix, such clear signals are harder to trace and therefore can go undetected for longer—creating an insidious erosion to the trust in the relationship.

Still, there is a great deal that leaders can do to minimize technology-related disruptions and maximize technology-driven benefits. In Part 2 of this topic, we will offer four tips to eliminate the “Technology of Avoidance” in your organization.